Excerpts - The Tribal Bae - Gig008
Good day
friends. This is an excerpt of Monteeclairs Gig 008- THE TRIBAL BAE. Our first
facilitator has first-hand experience having married from another tribe. Mr.
Peter (other names withheld) . He has
been married for 20years and has 5 children. He worked in the banking industry
for over 23 years. Currently he’s an industrialist & financial consultant
and business owner.
Our second
facilitator also had first-hand experience; Mrs. Ify (other names withheld), is
a practicing pharmacist who graduated from the University of Lagos. She is happily
married with 2 children.
Feel to ask more
questions or make contribution in the comments section or send a mail to monteeclairs@gmail.com and we will
revert as soon as possible
Question 1: I was
approached some years back by a man from the east of Nigeria, I’m from the
south. He told me his parents don't like
my tribe but he was sure he'd convince them. I agreed. My 2 years with him were
more of an emotional torture. I asked myself, was it my fault I came from
another tribe? Who did I offend? Who really offended his parents for them to
ban other tribes? So I decided I will never listen to another man from the
east. Should I be thinking like this?
Facilitator: My dear, so
many young people can relate with this experience of yours. Infact, i also had a
similar experience. This is very
rampant in Africa but also common
in other parts
of the world. You did not offend anyone. I must
start by saving
that when it comes
to marriage, tribe should
be the least
thing to be considered. It is as
a result of some
fears that those
parents have. Some reasons
include fears, cultural
differences, experience of
friends, distance, experiences
from the media like African-magic
movies etc, these are all unfounded.
Question 2: Sir, I am from Abia state, I wanted
to marry from Calabar, but two 2 mothers said No. Do I log out of d
relationship?
Facilitator: Did you want
to log out just because the 2 mothers said no or were there other issues?
Did you
try out other ways to prove to them that
those fears and worries
will not hold
through in your
situation or you simply
logged out?
Response: I tried all I
could, didn't work
Participants’ response to Q2: This one disadvantage of history. It is caused by something that
happened during the olden days. Some experiences during the civil war.
Question 3: A girl was
dating a guy for over 8 months and travelled away from town (work
related). At her area of duty, she fell
in love with someone else; some time later she travelled back home only to be
engaged by the man she had been dating. Now she's in a dilemma of who to be
with... The guy she was dating or someone she just fell in love with who also
loves her in return.
Facilitator: To be able to
answer your question i need more information. However the girl
should pray and seek
the face of GOD on
the person to actually marry. Marriage goes beyond love. By the
way did you
say she loves two
people at the
same time
Facilitator: i believe
that there are no two cases that are
the same. Even if all
your brothers had married ibo's,
there could still
be bad experiences. I think what is
important is that we understand the biblical
principles of marriage and follow
God through it all. A bad relationship is a bad relationship
tribe notwithstanding.
Question 4: Am presently
dating an Igbo girl, my parents are already signalling me to stop the
relationship. Should I?
Facilitator: Please don’t
stop just because of the signal from your parents. Find out why they are giving
you the stop signal. Do the following-
i.
Find out what their
fears are and show
them why it won’t
matter in your case
ii.
You can seek higher counsel
iii.
Pray about it
iv.
Be patient
v.
Talk about it before it becomes
a major issue.
vi.
Give them some exposure to deal
with their bias
vii.
You can
arrange for them
to meet the girl
one on one
in a natural
way so they can see her
for who she is.
viii.
You can
identify successful
intertribal marriages and
let them see it as a
model
Question 5: Sir tell us
how you dealt with this tribalism in your marriage
Facilitator: My case was
even more serious. I am an only son of my parents and an IGBO man. My parents
wanted me to
marry immediately I
left secondary school. As a pastor’s son also it was easy
for them to arrange would be spouses. But I had always wanted to marry from
other tribes. What I did was to start discussing with them about my
preferences. It did not go down well initially. But as I kept praying over it,
God began to soften their hearts. At a
point, they asked
me to bring
her picture, then they asked
me to bring her to meet
with them. And that was it.
Infact, today they
so enjoy my
wife that my
father calls her the ''
woman from the land of Moab''
Question 6: I have been in
a relationship for 4years now and i want to settle down with the young lady, but
am still afraid of her flaws. She loves me so much even far more than I do, no
doubt. But she gets angry easily and starts fighting me even when I have sworn
never to touch her no matter what, I would just bear it all anytime she starts.
Again my parents
said I can't marry from her state, because my two uncles and a cousin that
married there, their stories are not what to write home about at all,
especially the one of my Dad's immediate young brother. Please my question now
is, ‘if I must marry her, how can I
convince my parents? And if I must marry her how can I cope with that
embarrassing flaw? And if I can't marry her please how can I end this
relationship ASAP?’
Facilitator: there are two
issues here. One is that this
lady is always
fighting with you even
though you have
been together for
4 years. The second is that your
parents do not want her. It will have
been much easier to convince your
parents if she was not
displaying these flaws before
them.
As it is now
you need
to first convince yourself if
really you can
cope with this
relationship given that even before
marriage she keeps ''fighting''
you. What will happen after marriage? If
are convinced you
can’t cope , take the bold
step and end it nicely. Convincing
your parents does not even come in now. A broken engagement is better than a
broken marriage. Here it is not the tribal sentiment alone that is at play.
Before you take any further step please seek the face of God
Facilitator 2: The story
is a very long one, but i will summarize it. When I met my husband for the
first time at my parents’ house, I didn’t understand that we were
"traditionally related" or so they say; Having being brought up in a Christian
home, where to me our beliefs and culture was grounded in Biblical teachings.
Fast forward to when my husband expressed his desire to marry me, I was rudely
shocked to discover certain traditional beliefs that didn’t make sense.
In my case
people from his village and my mum's village do not intermarry. It was a long
tussle involving lots of arguments, talks, and prayers. But first things first,
we both had to be sure we were not related by blood as the bible does not
condone such.
Once we were sure,
we tried our best to make both parents see reasons. We consulted uncles and
elders in the village to speak to them too, but my husband's parents were very
adamant.
Well, we went
back to God, several dry fasting, several night vigils, and several counselling
sessions. Our parents didn’t budge! We decided to take a step of faith, found a
bible believing Pastor and did the wedding ceremony without help from both
families.
Together, we
continued to plead and speak to our parents who eventually came round and the
traditional ceremony was done.......the rest is history!
Question 8: So what would
you advise someone in similar shoes..... You experienced yours and you made
mistakes and know better? Do you think that was a good move? Was it bible
backed?
Facilitator 2: We made the
move after a personal conviction having prayed a lot. We could have been more
patient as eventually our parents came round. Therefore, I would advise
patience and persistence once you are sure that the person is truly your spouse
Parental consent
is very important in a marriage. However, the issue arises when the parents
involved are not Christians, or have misguided beliefs. Still it will be good
to continue to pray and speak to them so that they give their blessings.
Question 9: Where does the
bible meet tradition and what is the place of parental consent?
Facilitator 1: The
relationships that God forbade in the Old Testament Law are listed in Leviticus
chapter 18, verses 6-18. In that passage, we are commanded not to marry a
parent, a step-parent, a grandchild (and, understood, a grandparent), a
sibling, a brother or sister of a parent (i.e., an aunt or uncle), or a
half-sibling.
Question 10: I'm in a
relationship that both of us love each other very well. I decided to go and see
her parents for me to start doing the needful. But on getting there, her parent
after some inquiry discovered that both of us are related. According to them,
traditionally we cannot marry, because it will be a taboo for the same lineage
to get married, even though we are not from the same community. Please what do
I do?
Facilitator 2: First of
all are you very sure there is no blood relation? You will need to dig deeper
to find out if there is. If there is, please you will need to let go. But if
not and the parents involved are Christians, kindly involve a man of God and/or
Christian Counsellor to speak to the parents to come round. Also realize it is
a battle, because it is a belief system that has been on for a while. So you
will need to pray! pray! pray!
Facilitator 2: I would
say, the individuals involved would need to think long and hard and take a
decision either to remain together or let go. None of which is easy, but stand
by that decision and ask God for help
Question 11: Please show
where marriage is in the Bible, in other words where does it say God instituted
it⁉
Facilitator 1: The Bible
records the creation of marriage in Genesis 2:23–24: “The man said, ‘This is
now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman,” for
she was taken out of man.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and
mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” God created
man and then made woman to complement him. In the Bible marriage is God’s “fix”
for the fact that “it is not good for the man to be alone” -Genesis 2:18
Comments
Post a Comment